So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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