I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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