Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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