My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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