please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
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can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
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She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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