I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
