I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
