if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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