Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
