I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
