True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
