Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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