I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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