You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
