swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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