When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
