All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
