How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
