Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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