It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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