i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
