you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
