Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
