dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
