my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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