Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
