I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
