Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
