also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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