she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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