you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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