Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
