remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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