does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
