I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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