No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
