I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
what day is it and did you see me today?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
