he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I love having hate sex.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You need Xanax blowdarts
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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