when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
