Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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