I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
