I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
