I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...