one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
