Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
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Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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