I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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