1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
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Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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