She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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