new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
