Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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