I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
