I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
