I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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