I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
