Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
