if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
